Another week at home down, another week of lazing around. It’s cold, and I have lacked all motivation in getting into a healthy routine. I have definitely beaten myself up a lot this past week and let my thoughts dominate my reality. I could see it happening and I knew exactly what I had to do to pull myself out, but it was so much easier just to stay in bed.
Later in the week I got out of the house to celebrate two important birthday’s. I went to my best mates house and caught up with his and his partner’s families, who are virtually an extension of me as we have all grown up together. It was great to enjoy an Aussie bbq and many good laughs.
The following evening was my mum’s birthday, which so far, I have made it home for every year I am away. I spent the day out fishing with my mate on his new boat, doing exactly what she wishes she was doing! She messaged me through the day to find out where we were fishing, what bait we were using, what we had caught etc. as she lived vicariously through me for the day!
I’ve hit a small snag on a job this week, however it just proved far to expensive of an outlay for the return. It was a four week project in Cuba. It is in the part of the world which i desperately want to be, and would have been a good start for me, and then I could move around from there. However with expenses in getting me there exceeding $4,000 for 4 weeks work returning less than a couple of hundred a week, it was by no means viable. Had it been long term, I could have gone, however I have had to determine where I draw the line for my expenses outlay v. “experience”. It’s an interesting time, taking suggestions and tips from diving mentors I had met along the way....
In the back of my mind however I was busy worrying about something else. Some medical results. Whether I should even be applying for jobs, or waiting until all the results are back. As I have previously written about, before leaving for the Maldives I had a health scare. I decided to go to the Maldives and enjoy my life and deal with what may be when I got back. Now that i’m back it was time to deal with that elephant in the corner. I had the test done on Thursday and it was today that I got the results back. I am happy to report that the results have gone from possible high grade pre-cancerous cells, to low grade. Further investigation is required and I will be headed to the hospital in the coming weeks to be poked and prodded to get an accurate diagnosis. Feeling much lighter about the situation at hand.
Since coming home, I really needed some sort of push of inspiration. To stop me laying around in bed snacking, to get me off my ass and start feeling good again. It was no more turquoise waters and warm sunny days, no more daily diving and guitar sessions with my pals, and I needed to suck it up. Who would have thought tucked up in bed watching reality TV show Masterchef that some words of wisdom from a world famous chef would be enough for me to kick over? I rarely, if ever watch TV, I believe its all a load of brainwashing garbage, but here I was... One of the contestants was having a bad day and the chef came out and said something along the lines of ‘it’s easy to beat yourself up about it, but you have to pull yourself up out of it’.
When I heard those word, I contemplated them so much deeper. How beating yourself up is a cop-out, the easy action, I considered how piss-weak it was of me to just lay around beating myself up about things that I could easily change, but didn’t bother to.
I know it’s all to common where we have moments when we are down, and sometimes we bask in those feelings. But we need to draw a line on how long we stay down for and then pull ourselves back up. I’ve recognised i’m just having a lull at the moment. It can’t be ‘all that glitters’ all the time. With a brighter looking bill of health, contemplation on some simple truths, I think i’m ready to turn it back around, make it glittery no matter what the conditions.
Happiness is a choice. Even if you are sad, be happy about being sad.
Still chasing the dream....
Kass xx
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